Just Friends

You are the thought I fall asleep to

You are the breath I breathe into

You are the warmth on this day of all days

You are the arms in which I sleep and laze

 

You are the smirk in the single worst hour

You are the comfort, you are the power

You are the best that could have happened

You know perfection, to lips I am trapped

 

You are the temperate touch on cold skin

You are the oceanic tide washing in

You are the dark one, the snide and the sly

You are the sleeper, and I sleep all night

 

You are the latest, a taste of a trend

You are the same thing again and again

You are the next one, with heartbeats you send

You are my divine, and we are Just Friends

Man

I’m a lonely creature

With pleasant features

Long hair

Long dress

 

Femininity infinity

To some demure extreme

Dainty and dolly

Friendful I seem

 

I’d kill to be alone

But lonely, it kills me

Killing, it thrills me

Then I wake up sober and regret

What have I done?

 

I’m sickened by love songs

Yet they’re my lifeline

They keep me breathing and kicking and screaming

He is

 

He is so uncaring

So cold

So bad

So low

 

But to me he is perfection

His warmth keeps me alive

It kept me alive and alove

Now I am asleep to survive

To lie and not to die

 

There have been all too many gentlemen

One particular is more perfect

More for me

Kinder, better, stronger

Yet it is not him

He is not him

No one is him

 

I am not me without him

ANX

The shiver hits me

There’s no rush of giggles

There’s a rush of heartbeats

It does not feel so sweet

 

Tunnel vision, so delirious

Maybe on a drug, this is the high I want

I don’t want this high

Not in a schoolroom

 

They’re watching

They’re judging

I’m crying

They’re smiling

 

Crying and crying

Screaming and collapsing

Internal agony

I am not me, I cannot stop

 

Dear friends

What would I do without you?

I am dragged to safety

I can breathe bravely

 

Breathe and they will leave

How simple an action

Yet hard a task

So much to ask

 

I’ll sleep it off

It will come back tomorrow

Start as a gasp and a cough

I’ve had enough

 

Five long years of this

Far too many more

Every day, working scares me

Writing worries me

 

Singing horrifies me

The future terrifies me

The dark is unspeakable

I am so afraid

 

Yet I am braver than you will ever be

Yet I am fearless

The Dove Dove

The warm of my spirit

The cold of my sound

The way your feathers fall

From your shoulders to the ground

 

My feathery spirit

Gets lighter with the sun

Lighter with the Summer

Weightless in the breeze

 

Weightless is the ghost under my bed

But it lies asleep

So peacefully, it means to me

It pleases me, reasons me

 

Twisted is the wailing wind

Melting in the sunset tint

Pouring in the washing rain

Whimsical and flying fame

He’s a Sinner

I bring the water

He brings the wine

I bring the daisies

He brings the Woodbines

 

He’s so very charming

I blush and I smile

He puts me to work

He grins and he smirks

 

He opens the bottle

He gives me a sip

Never has so much

Passed my quiet lips

 

Trusted from elders

He’s sly as a fox

I am a mouse

I am shaking in rocks

 

He leads me astray

We drink through the night

I know what she’d say

The river glints the new light

 

These bloody old fields

And these torn up old homes

The sworn and the shielded

They’ve left us alone

 

The grass stains are endless

They gently remind me

Of running for romance

He tells me he’ll find me

 

Ink-stained and lettered

So long I will wait

I’ve waited till Winter

So, so long it takes

 

He’s home for the family

The rain is so cold

It fills up the river

Till ice breaks no more

 

Oh my dear Sinner

You look so unwarmed

Are you now an angel

A sinner no more?

 

Oh he’s a sinner

When we’re down by the river

ICU

Please pull my sheet up around me

Not like that, no!

If only you could hear me

Eternally internally shouting in frustration

I am more awake than any woman, any doctor

Any other sleeping victim

If only I could have three seconds

To shout, “I am alive! I am awake!”

I would still never move again

But maybe you’d talk to me, you’d hold my hand

Play my favourite old bands for me

Sing to me, play me the futuristic instruments

You would know, at the very very very least

That would be the lowest comfort

That I could drag you down with my suffering

Make you feel guilt for what you didn’t do

What was my own fault

I’ve never quite recovered from the whip lash

My neck doesn’t move

So it never healed

My mind never free’d

My eyes never peeled

My eyelids are shields

If you could open them, I could see

See for the first time in years

It would take seconds of your life

To make three years of mine

 

Please

Please

Please

Can you hear me?

Ghost at the Beach

I dream differently

I am not one who forgets

I don’t forget the worst

I forget the best

I remember the nightmares

The learning kind

I remember the irrelevant

Such as the ghost at the beach

There was a dog

And a field

And people screaming

Screaming

And running

Why screaming?

Was I screaming?

I think so

Why?

I was not afraid

 

I am never, ever afraid