Man

I’m a lonely creature

With pleasant features

Long hair

Long dress

 

Femininity infinity

To some demure extreme

Dainty and dolly

Friendful I seem

 

I’d kill to be alone

But lonely, it kills me

Killing, it thrills me

Then I wake up sober and regret

What have I done?

 

I’m sickened by love songs

Yet they’re my lifeline

They keep me breathing and kicking and screaming

He is

 

He is so uncaring

So cold

So bad

So low

 

But to me he is perfection

His warmth keeps me alive

It kept me alive and alove

Now I am asleep to survive

To lie and not to die

 

There have been all too many gentlemen

One particular is more perfect

More for me

Kinder, better, stronger

Yet it is not him

He is not him

No one is him

 

I am not me without him

ANX

The shiver hits me

There’s no rush of giggles

There’s a rush of heartbeats

It does not feel so sweet

 

Tunnel vision, so delirious

Maybe on a drug, this is the high I want

I don’t want this high

Not in a schoolroom

 

They’re watching

They’re judging

I’m crying

They’re smiling

 

Crying and crying

Screaming and collapsing

Internal agony

I am not me, I cannot stop

 

Dear friends

What would I do without you?

I am dragged to safety

I can breathe bravely

 

Breathe and they will leave

How simple an action

Yet hard a task

So much to ask

 

I’ll sleep it off

It will come back tomorrow

Start as a gasp and a cough

I’ve had enough

 

Five long years of this

Far too many more

Every day, working scares me

Writing worries me

 

Singing horrifies me

The future terrifies me

The dark is unspeakable

I am so afraid

 

Yet I am braver than you will ever be

Yet I am fearless

He’s a Sinner

I bring the water

He brings the wine

I bring the daisies

He brings the Woodbines

 

He’s so very charming

I blush and I smile

He puts me to work

He grins and he smirks

 

He opens the bottle

He gives me a sip

Never has so much

Passed my quiet lips

 

Trusted from elders

He’s sly as a fox

I am a mouse

I am shaking in rocks

 

He leads me astray

We drink through the night

I know what she’d say

The river glints the new light

 

These bloody old fields

And these torn up old homes

The sworn and the shielded

They’ve left us alone

 

The grass stains are endless

They gently remind me

Of running for romance

He tells me he’ll find me

 

Ink-stained and lettered

So long I will wait

I’ve waited till Winter

So, so long it takes

 

He’s home for the family

The rain is so cold

It fills up the river

Till ice breaks no more

 

Oh my dear Sinner

You look so unwarmed

Are you now an angel

A sinner no more?

 

Oh he’s a sinner

When we’re down by the river

ICU

Please pull my sheet up around me

Not like that, no!

If only you could hear me

Eternally internally shouting in frustration

I am more awake than any woman, any doctor

Any other sleeping victim

If only I could have three seconds

To shout, “I am alive! I am awake!”

I would still never move again

But maybe you’d talk to me, you’d hold my hand

Play my favourite old bands for me

Sing to me, play me the futuristic instruments

You would know, at the very very very least

That would be the lowest comfort

That I could drag you down with my suffering

Make you feel guilt for what you didn’t do

What was my own fault

I’ve never quite recovered from the whip lash

My neck doesn’t move

So it never healed

My mind never free’d

My eyes never peeled

My eyelids are shields

If you could open them, I could see

See for the first time in years

It would take seconds of your life

To make three years of mine

 

Please

Please

Please

Can you hear me?

Ghost at the Beach

I dream differently

I am not one who forgets

I don’t forget the worst

I forget the best

I remember the nightmares

The learning kind

I remember the irrelevant

Such as the ghost at the beach

There was a dog

And a field

And people screaming

Screaming

And running

Why screaming?

Was I screaming?

I think so

Why?

I was not afraid

 

I am never, ever afraid

Haiku #1

To create nothing

Is a gentle lie to me

We breathe to create

Athena

Dear old Athena are you there?

Dear goddess with the subtle stare

I ask for your advice

Don’t make me ask you twice

I’ve gone and found someone to hold

His breath is clean his wisdom old

I may not trust my mind

You are of womankind

Dear old Athena please be there

 

I smell your lust from worlds away

I taste your breath in Summer rain

I know you’re listening

And Zeus is watching me

These other Gods they’ve told me lies

They pull my teeth, they scratch my eyes

My sister and my friend

My sincere love I send

Now you are my only hope

 

Aphrodite, Jezebel, these women will they live in hell

Temptresses and mistresses, the fallen and the risen they live to tell

 

Dear old Athena are you there?

Dear goddess with the flaming hair

Have you heard my cry?

Let sleeping lovers lie

I won’t forgive you if you die

Stay awake with me all night

Gentle words you sing

To me they are nothing

Now you are my only hope

 

Unleash the beast that lives in me, it’s claws are caught in my skin

Yes I hope you’re happy now, living with my sin

Warmly Whisper

God only knows how beautiful he makes me feel

And the way I realise how insignificant

My face, my body is

 

The way he holds my hand

Bends my fingers back

Until a tickle and laugh

 

The way he pushes my long hair back to my shoulder

Though I shyly pull it forward

Aware of all my charms and shy words

 

I will enter as a maiden

And I will leave an angel

Angelic resonance has risen to me

Resonance reading my newest romance

 

How angelic it is

To be held so closely

And whispered

So warmly

Animalia

My tongue drips melted gold

I’m too good for honey

I can hear you scream my name

 

The taste of blood fills my mouth

I leave a filthy taste in your mouth

Man up, your father screams

 

Forgive me father for I am not the one

Who has sinned

I am the victim of your victimless crimes

 

Blasting heat from your pouring veins

I don’t need any more

I am relieved to be believed to be alive

The Original Aisling

I’ll dream myself an Aisling
With feathers and blazing red chains
Where rivers flow pink as the grass is
And polka dots whisper to rain

No man is left unhearted
No cáilín cries in fields
And I will swim with angels
An Aisling I will be

I’ll dream myself an Aisling
Where 45’s no more
The ragged ranks are living
My mother cries no more

Hunger ye who enter here
The ground it loves us not
These foreign celtic strangers
We’ll give them all we’ve got

I’ll dream myself an Aisling
We’ve just passed ’47
It’s time to take the boat now
Your baby sister’s in heaven